Random note

This set of three poems (the 3 posts below this post) was what I wrote around the end of last year when I started to have a difficult time with family, friends, and roommates. They’re similar in style except for the 2nd poem which is more abstract. I doubt anyone could really interpret the meaning but you’re welcome to try. But I’m finally publishing this set because I have, more or less, resolved the issues that the poems talked about. I actually haven’t been able to write a lot lately, probably because I’m actually content with my life right now. I guess inspiration only hits when emotions are high aka despair and anger for me.

If the words come, they come and they’ll crash like a tsunami as usual.

Happy Friday!

Take Away the Thing Called Love

Used to getting left behind

In this hellhole I call life

Sticks and stones fall gently down

After colliding with my mind

Wounds heal but the stabs on my back scar

Forgive but never forget, they say

But there was never any use

Trying to hold on

To someone who always walked away

Their love was superficial

Their love was convenient

Their love came when the sun was out

But not when it rained.

Their love was the smell of flowers

that surrounds a communion

Yet turns sour at the break

Their love reminds me of glass

Waiting to shatter after one crack

Their love was never to share

So take it away, I don’t care

Red Like Blood

River floods the banks red

Eyes trail like hawks on prey

Specks here and there show gold

Covered in needless dread

Still, the vultures come near and far

To drench their wings with sins

As the river and land cry for

Their fallen brethren

Stripped away bare and fair

Life is too cruel but who cares

‘The strong survives and the weak dies’

The hyenas cackle and flee

So all that is left is a wounded pride

Keep Me in Darkness

The world was a perfect little bubble

Back when I couldn’t see

Or hear or feel anything

The water was gray, for

The moonlight barely reached

The sunlight wasn’t warm

Because the shadows kept me cool

The darkness was never a scary place

because you can’t be scared of what you

Can’t see, hear, or feel

Peace, for all was empty and

All was quiet

But the light switch suddenly turned on

And everything burns.

My mind sees what my eyes skipped

The world with light is more terrifying I fear

For smiles turn into smirks and sneers

Once were truths, now are lies

The masks were cracked but I never knew

How hideous it was to look at you.

Give me back the darkness

For the light breaks me apart

Let me wallow in the night

Let me bathe in ignorance

Because I was finally alright

For the first time in my life

To My 5th Grade Teacher

Tags

, ,

I heard what they were saying
But it didn’t register in mind
I sat for a few more minutes
And finally the tears started to drip down
My throat felt as if it was closing in
It was hard to breathe
I didn’t know what to say and I could no longer see
What was in front of me, for the salty water
Has clouded my vision
I can’t think,
the words keep coming out
but they no longer make sense to me.

We talk about death daily but I don’t think
we feel it until it happens to someone close to us
For we take the people we love for granted,
for we take life for granted,
thinking that we’re invincible in youth
That we’ll live forever in the moment
That nothing can disrupt this perfect bubble
But death reminds us to be humble
It pierces your heart for a split second
And while the pain feels like an eternity
It is only the memory that remains to haunt.
We’ll live and then die.
How simple.

Rest in peace my 5th grade teacher, Mr. Heller. You were my first male teacher and someone who challenged his students on a daily basis. We were basically quizzed and tested everyday. While we complained and whined that it was too much and that there was no way it was going to be this tough in middle school, I wanted to thank you for shaping my study habits. Sometimes instant gratification isn’t that great anyway. I regret not visiting you. I wanted to tell you that I got into a good university and that I was even closer to my dream now. I wanted to say thank you but most of all, I wanted to show you who I have become: someone who is finally confident in herself, someone who knows what she wants and speaks her mind. Thank you for taking care of that awkward and clumsy girl who was too tall for her age and rarely spoke. Thank you for seeing something in me that I didn’t. I think you’ve always expected something great from me and I wanted to show you exactly that. I’m sorry it took so long and now it’s too late. I hope you were at peace in your final moments. And thank you again, for everything.

Always your student.

xx.

Age Beautifully

Tags

, ,

The flower had bloomed beautifully under the sunlight,
But so easily, it allows me to destroy it
One by one, the petals fall to the ground
For beauty can last as long as a second
I let one petal remain but what good will it do,
For it will wither away like the person holding it
I could destroy nature in spite
But time will destroy us both.

My reflection will appear differently as years go by
The roses will turn black as the end of the week nears
While I cling to the illusion of youth,
I do not crave immortality nor do I fear death
But perhaps I yearn again for the innocence and purity
Of someone who did not know the cruelty of the world,
the negativity and despair that haunt failures

Yet even when the rose petals have all fallen,
The thorns remain.
For beauty and youth cannot protect you from the world,
They are not resistant to time
But knowledge is,
Knowledge is my thorns.

So age beautifully so when the beauty
That accompanies youth disappears,
you will keep getting more beautiful
because your mind knows more
when your face is less.

Time To Be Me

Tags

,

Don’t act as if you’re the only one suffering
As if you’re the only one who’s in pain
When I have these thoughts that suffocate me
When I have to carry the weight of people on me
When I have to take everything people say
In silence, in fear of offending others

Don’t you dare act as if you’re the only victim
When you took me by the throat and squeezed
Until the only thing I could was fight back
Did that surprise you?
And finally you realize that I wasn’t as weak,
As vulnerable as I appear.

You thought it was ok to pick a fight with someone
Like me, because I wouldn’t fight back
But I fear I lost that child who took everything
and pushed it in the back of her mind
Until she was alone, to silently hate herself
For no one loved her enough to protect her

She’s gone and she’s not coming back
And I won’t ever go back to that little girl
Who listened out of respect to your yelling
who cried because she thought you loved her
Because I’d rather inflict pain back
Than compromise myself for the likes of you.

Because it’s about time I put myself first
It’s about time I thought for myself
It’s time for me to be the one to protect,
to have confidence and to be happy with myself

Because to be myself is all I could ever wish for.

Not Pretty But Real

Tags

, , , , ,

I can’t believe that none of my English classes in high school made us read Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein. It is perhaps one of the greatest books I just read in my college literature class and it will forever be one of my favorites from now on. It was so hard not to be absolutely smitten with the language and the way the book just draws you in. Maybe those who have read the book don’t have the same opinions that I do but I was completely captivated by it. There were too many great quotes and the different perspectives from Victor Frankenstein and the creature make you sympathize with both of them! I don’t know about you but I love it when the villain character isn’t completely evil and there’s a line between what we see as good and bad.

I haven’t watched any movie adaptions of the book yet but in this society, the archetypal villain always includes Frankenstein and his usual ugly image, a man with green skin and metal screws in his head. Already I’m imagining the Scooby-Doo depiction of Frankenstein. But the “Frankenstein” in the novel is absolutely not similar to the media portrayal of him. He is extremely intelligent and humanistic. Honestly, you will start to sympathize with him more than Victor Frankenstein. And on that note with names, the creature that the media labels as “Frankenstein” does not actually have a name! Frankenstein is the creature’s creator, so the crazy scientist that goes “HE’S ALIVE” in the film adaptions. So now I’ll have a hard time when referring to the monster since he’s nameless unless you say that he’ll still be called Frankenstein since he adopts the name of his creator, Victor Frankenstein. Well, that wasn’t confusing.

I apologize for being such a fangirl but it’s hard for me to find books that are absolutely fantastic, in which I can call a favorite of mine. I can go on and provide an analysis of why I think the book is so amazing but I don’t want to bore anyone. But I honestly recommend the book to anyone and everyone. It’s only about 160 pages so not too long. I read the 1818 version so I have no idea if the other versions are different.

Also, you have to believe me when I say this is a good book since I never finish reading anything if I’m bored with it, even if it’s a class reading/assignment and that I will be tested on it. So the fact that I finished this book just shows how interesting it really is.

Now I will provide some quotes from the book that I find to be awesome.

“Learn from me, if not by my precepts, at least by my example, how dangerous is the acquirement of knowledge, and how much happier that man is who believes his native town to be the world, than he who aspires to become greater than his nature will allow.”

“Increase of knowledge only discovered to me more clearly what a wretched outcast I was. I cherished hope, it is true; but it vanished, when I beheld my person reflected in water, or my shadow in the moonshine, even as that frail image and that inconstant shade.”

“This was then the reward of my benevolence! I had saved a human being from destruction, and, as a recompense, I now writhed under the miserable pain of a wound, which shattered the flesh and bone. The feelings of kindness and gentleness, which I had entertained but a few moments before, gave place to hellish rage and gnashing of teeth.”

“For an instant I dared to shake off my chains, and look around me with a free and lofty spirit; but the iron had eaten into my flesh, and I sank again, trembling and hopeless, into my miserable self.”

“How mutable are our feelings, and how strange is that clinging love we have of life even in the excess of misery!”

I must tell you that if you didn’t already know who spoke these lines, you can’t really tell between Victor Frankenstein and his creature at all. They are both tragic characters, actually I don’t want to use the word “tragic” because that hints that this is all destiny, which it is not (at least in this version of the tale). So rather they are pushed to these circumstances that result in misery and anger due to their own desire for more knowledge and accidental happenings.

Perhaps we are all drawn, to a certain degree, to these dark and horrific novels because they speak to the misfortunes that we also face in reality. Although not to the same extent but the misery and the darkest emotions are depicted, which are usually not portrayed in those happy ending novels.

We will die, we will face consequences for our actions and we will suffer for our mistakes and while that is not a pretty picture, it is a real picture. It doesn’t matter if the novel you read is fiction or non-fiction, if you can get a message from it that has substance and quality, that’s all you can ask for.

(also despite this post and my previous posts, I am not depressing, I swear! I just think that only certain emotions such as anger, grief, etc. inspire creativity in me for some reason. Oh right, because I only use writing as a way to escape/ purge those negative thoughts. Which means, my readers get to read those…)

Pick up a copy of Frankenstein if you want to see what’s so special that I would dedicate a post to it.

Until next time xx

The Demons Inside

Tags

,

When I was young, I used to tell my demons
Not to get comfortable and to leave me alone
They laughed and smiled, told me they can’t
For I was the one that brought them here
For I was the one who let them stay
So I got used to the little demons
Running around, wreaking havoc
But the damage was small and I felt fine
And they were the only ones that understood
The little insecurities of mine

They’re bigger now, I don’t remember how
I told them to get out again
Because I no longer want them there
But they paid no heed to my words
As they crept deeper into my mind
And released the other demons of their kind
They told me that I gave them power
That I gave them a reason to survive
My pain, my grief, my anger fueled them
and now they were ready to play with me.

I told them to stop. I didn’t want this,
I never intended for them to stay
But it was too late, the damage was done
Now I am stuck, with demons dancing in my mind
Enough for me to feel every negative thing
ten times more than normal, ten times more
than I used to, ten times more than I want to.
How painful it is to know you are the one,
driving the stake into your own heart?
I let them in because I let myself wither away.

The Light that Dims in Darkness

Tags

, , ,

The life that you thought you had was so promising and so bright
You thought anything was possible as long as you can keep it in sight
Now it’s so blurry, someone has cut off the light
You’re thrown into a pit of darkness and no amount of screaming could make it right
Someone has taken what didn’t belong to them: your life.
How scared must you be, pressed against the wall, the door only inches away
But you remembered the saying then, that life wasn’t fair.

When lives are taken, fingers start to point.
But it was so dark, so who could it be?
That man, that woman, right there, you say.
But he wasn’t there and she was out of town.
He was, she was, you cried out.
For the light doesn’t shine on them like it shined on you.

You recognized the darkness that tried to suffocate you.
You had seen thousands of faces morphed into one
You have seen the darkness that you thought was gone from the world
But looking into their eyes, you realize how wrong you were
For darkness lurks behind the brightest smiles but hides within the troubled minds

How time must have dragged on, like a bomb with only a few seconds left
You start to wonder if they will be happy after this
Would your life bring the peace that they wanted?
Was it worth it, you thought, to kill and feel like you’ve done right?

Was it that easy, to end someone’s life as though you’ve done it millions of time?
Is it easy to talk about someone’s life as though they don’t matter?
Why is it so easy to use someone’s faith and race as a reason for the injustice?
When did we start thinking of a human being as anything less than a human?
Your name, your religion, your sexuality, your ethnicity are you but are you not human?

Opposing sides clash when they meet but the person next to you is not and will never be
any less human than you are.
For when you raise that gun to end someone’s life in the name of your justice,
you’ve lost the right to be considered human
For a person blinded by hate, ruled by pride, and urged by faith, they are nothing
But a vessel that has fallen.

Note: I wanted to take this chance to mourn all the lives lost due to another’s selfish decision. The most recent shooting was the one at Chapel Hill where the lives of three students were cruelly taken. I have not read into the reports in detail yet but this poem is addressed to some posts I saw on Twitter where there are some people who actually thought the homicide was a just thing because the students are Muslim. It is not ok to EVER think that taking an innocent person’s life as right. We live in a society that has been slowly ridding itself of traditional norms (go feminism), so why can’t we rise from the hate and violence? Because there are still some people who think they have the power to decide someone else’s life.
Stop using religion as a reason. Stop using race as a reason. Look at it from face-value. This man killed three students, is that right in your eyes?

RIP.

Until next time xx.